Is she cheating – Getting her to Admit

August 4, 2013

This post goes hand in hand with our post on confronting your cheating girlfriend. I recommend you read both of these before having the big conversation.  So the question that is on everyone’s mind. How do you get her to admit?

These conversation can get pretty heated, and very emotional.  Negative emotion will often impare your judgement to make the best decisions.  I would prepare yourself ahead of time for any and all outcomes.  Expect that you will get her to admit, and try and understand what you are feeling.  This is a very difficult situation and process and should not be taken lightly.  If you find yourself playing through the conversation in your head, and negative emotions keep coming up, try and work through them.  Talk through them out loud. Why are you feeling angry, upset, and sad? Yes, I know the obvious reason is that she betrayed your trust and cheated on you.  But who are you really upset at? Are you upset at yourself for letting this happen? Are you upset at yourself for not seeing this sooner? Are you upset at her for betraying you?

We as men often have a hard time connecting with our inner emotions. We are supposed to be strong and tough. That’s a load of garbage. We all have emotions.  We all get crushed. It’s hard wired into our brain. It’s how we react that make us men.  Let all these feelings out. Do it in private. You’ll feel much better than trying to stuff them deep down inside.  Because they will come out some time.  You can only throw so much trash in the ground before it starts to come out and smell.

So back to the topic.  You need to be convincing, and you might have to lie.  Tell her you know she is cheating you have hard proof, you have seen it. Don’t tell her everything you know at once.  You might need leverage later on in the conversation.  If you truly do have 100% proof she is cheating, and she still won’t admit to it, then just break up.  If she can’t be open and honest when she is caught, she will never be later in your relationship.  Read our on setting relationship goals over here, this will make you aware of one important fact.  Even if you are willing to forgive her, she may not want to continue with the relationship.

Where and when you talk is as important as what you say.  If she just came home from a hard day of work, and you start in with the conversation, the chances of it going well are going to be far less. She is coming into this conversation aggrevated and exhausted.  She has a much higher chance of acting irrationally or emotionally out of exhaustion, and then no one will come out of this conversation any better.  Also if you feel she may get violent, do this in a public space.  Make sure people are around for your own safety. If you feel that no violence will pursue, I suggest having this talk in a place where she feels comfortable. Depending on how the conversation goes, if you two are stuck in the same place, you may be forced to work the problem out, instead of running away without a solution.

I also recommend reading our posts on eye, voice, and body language tests.  This will help you figure out if what she is saying is the truth.  You need to approach this conversation with authority. The chances are that even if you don’t have full proof, something is going on. It is your job to find out what.  Between your gut instincts and her abnormal behavior she is not telling you something that is going on in her life.

First you need to start the conversation with conviction.  You will have a greater chance of getting her to admit if you start out the conversation this way:

“(name), we need to talk.  You’ve been acting very different lately, and I know you are cheating on me.” instead of like this.

“(name), we need to talk. You’ve been acting very different lately, and I’m not really sure why, could you let me know what is going on?”

Even though the second sentence is a much more polite way to ask her, it gives her plenty of oppurtunities to make up an answer.  The first sentence you will either get one of two answers; “Yes, I am” , or “No, I’m not”.  It will get you to the truth faster.  This is where you have to pay very close attention to her eyes, voice, and body language.  Pay attention to where her eyes move. Are her memories accessing reality or fantasy.  What about her voice. Does it match her body language? Does her voice sound very authoritative, but her body is staying still like a statue.  When you get emotional your mind and body work together.  If you get angry or upset your body will assume certain movement and poses and your voice will often match these, by going higher or louder.  If you find these are not coinciding with each other, keep asking her questions.

Your next move in the converation is to start bringing up all the proof you have found. Start with the strongest and most concrete evidence  and move down the line, if she keeps giving you excuses for each question. Here’s an example:

“Well, why I have you been working so late?”

“I have a big project coming up that I need to finish.”

“What project, you haven’t spoken to me about a project, yet you tell me everything else that is going on in your life?”

“It just came up, and I’ve been so busy, I must have forgot.(I’m sorry)”

(repeat what she just said back to you, and then change the conversation to your point of view)

“So what you are telling me is that for three weeks you have been working late on a big project that is consuming all of your time and energy, yet even though it is on your mind with all these extra hours at work, you have some how forgot to tell me about it? What if I did this, what would your reaction be?”

This last sentence is a great turning point in the converation, because you are taking excatly what she is saying and making it real. You are taking her exact words and making them concrete.  Not only are you doing this, but you are reversing the roles, make her think how it feels to be in your shoes.  Her typical answer would be that, “I trust you, and wouldn’t be worried”.   Here is where you should be bringing up other evidence.

“Well you may trust me but on top of working late, you have a new hire in your office, and your spending habits have changed.”

A great emphasis point is to tell her to imagine you had someone listening to this entire conversation right now, that does not know either one of you. If you told that person that she was working late, did not tell you why, has someone new at her office, etc, what would they think?  Keep in mind this could backfire depending on how good your evidence is.

If everything fails, and you present her with good evidence that she is cheating, and she continually is denying it, there could be a few posibilites. One is that she is telling the truth and she is not cheating.  If this is the case you need to apologize, and explain to her based on everything you saw cheating was the most logical possibility for what was happening.  Tell her you care about your relationship, and would not have done all this work to confirm your feelings had you not wanted to stay in this relationship.

The second outcome is that she is still lying and cheating.  She may have been prepared for this, and maybe she was even on this site preparing for you to confront her and get her to admit.  If this is the case, the best chance of getting to the truth is to be open and honest.  Tell her you care about her, and that you can see yourself with her in a committed relationship for years to come.  (I’m assuming you do, because you wouldn’t have read this far into the website had you not wanted to save your relationship.) Tell her regardless of her denying her cheating, there has definitely been a behavior change with her recently that is causing distance and problems in the relationship.  Start bringing up faults you may have, see if any of these hits a nerve.  The two main reasons women cheat are for sex, and out of boredom, read our posts on these.

Category: Admission

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